My ex-valentine

I received a card
From my ex-valentine
It read
How’ve you been you old swine?

I sent back a rose
Explaining someone stole my clothes
Why don’t you come round
And tickle my toes

Well! I got quick a reply
Reading, tickle your own toes
I’m with my new valentine
Who’s wearing your old clothes.

That was that

The ship's cat
Slipped on a mat
Fell overboard
And that was that

Until a very large sea rat
Brought back the cat
Then slipped on the mat
Fell overboard
Then, that was that.

The slimy monster

It jumped out of the sea
And with one giant leap
Landed at my feet
In a great big heap
It slithered onto my toe
I cried out
“No no no”
Then it lifted it’s great big head
And said
“Hello”

The man with two bottoms

The man with two bottoms
Only had one chair
So he’d rest them, one at a time
...To keep it perfectly fair

And when the chair broke
The man with two bottoms
Flew into the air
Landing on the floor
Where at last
He could rest the pair.

bum bum :-)

Two beer bellies are better than one

Two beer bellies
Are better than one
Announced Ron to John
One winter night
Over a pint

I’ve only got one
Replied John
Well, so have I
Said Ron

Thank goodness
After a few
They agreed
Together, they had two :-)

Muck, mud and grime

I laughed in the mud
I laughed in the muck
I laughed rolling around the floor
I laughed in the horse manure store

Then it rained and washed away
The muck the mud and the grime
And all the manure from the horse manure floor
Then I had, a dirty laugh no more.

Jimmy's dad

“Dip your sausage in your egg”
“It tastes great”
Jimmy’s dad said
Not wanting to be rude
Jimmy nodded his head
And then his dad muttered
“Why don’t you put some beans on your fried bread”
Jimmy said nothing
He pretended to be hoarse
Then in the corner of his ear he heard”
“Dip your bacon in your saurce”
Jimmy’s sister
Betty G
Said “dad”
“Leave Jimmy alone”
“He’s nearly thirty three”